I feel so lost today.
I don’t know why today, versus any other day. It’s not the anniversary of anything, not the
“first” or the “last” of any special event. But, I just feel sad and
weepy. Maybe because it’s the first time
one of my kids must celebrate their birthday without their dad. Maybe because it’s Christmas and I don’t have
anyone to help me decorate the tree or to tell me how good (or bad) it
looks. I’m really feeling sorry for
myself today. It serves no purpose to
feel this way, I keep telling myself.
But I just can’t stop it.
I heard my mom’s favorite Christmas song today. It made me cry. And I felt so silly, sitting in my car with
tears rolling down my face. It’s not my
first Christmas without her, but it’s the first one where I really, REALLY need
to talk to her. And I can’t. And I am frustrated, angry and heartbroken.
I saw a commercial for a really cool tool from Sears. And I thought “I should buy that for Greg”
and remembered he isn’t here to enjoy receiving new tools. He never even opened the ones he got last
year for Christmas. They are sitting in
his room, a sad reminder of what I’ve lost.
So tomorrow, I’ll pick myself back up, finish the tree. On Saturday and Sunday, I’ll spend time with
my family, laughing and maybe a few tears.
And the world will go on. But for today, I’ll just cry.
