My heart has broken many times in the past year and a
quarter, sometimes for myself, most of the time for my children. The little (and big) breaks come when
something occurs that Greg would have enjoyed, but most of the time, they
happen when I realize that one or more of my kids won’t get to experience a
significant event with their dad.
And last night, during a very happy celebration, the worst
break yet happened. We attended the
wedding of a very dear friend of Kaitlyn’s, our next door neighbor for 27
years. The bride was beautiful, the
groom handsome, the families blending together in a wonderful way. It was all great until…
The father/daughter dance.
It hit me hard that Kaitlyn, who loved her daddy so very much, will not
get to experience that. I did OK
watching the dance, but when it was over, Kaitlyn made her way over to our
table, in tears. My heart shattered into
so many pieces and all I could do was hold her.
I couldn’t speak, I just couldn’t offer her any words of encouragement
or consolation. I didn’t have them,
still don’t. I knew this would happen,
especially after I burst into tears on my way to work the other day. The song “I Loved Her First” by Heartland
started playing on the radio and I actually listened to the words. It is the absolutely perfect Father/Daughter
dance song. It hurts so much to think about it.
It is nearly beyond my ability to bear because I cannot fix this for
Kaitlyn. I cannot make her
Father/Daughter dance happen.
I think it helps in a small way to know that Greg loved
Daniel like a son and would have been so happy that they are (finally) getting
married. He would have adored Lily and
the new baby because he really did love babies (and they loved him). He would
have cried during the wedding and during the dance because he was a big old
softie and Kaitlyn was his baby girl. I can hope that he is watching over us
and is happy. And that helps a bit.
I know my boys will step up and stand in for their dad. They are kind, compassionate men who really
love their sister and only want her to be happy. But it won’t be the same. It
can’t be. Life will go on. Kaitlyn will have a beautiful wedding, we will laugh
and dance and have fun. Our family and Daniel’s will blend together in a
beautiful way. But there will always be a piece missing, a touch of sadness in
an otherwise happy life.
And so I’ll cry and cry.
And then I will find the strength to get through this. But don’t ask me to talk about it yet. I can’t do it without crying. Some day, maybe I will. But it’s OK if I can’t. And I’m OK nearly all of the time. I’ve made
my new normal work for me. I’m mostly
happy. But sometimes, I just need to be
sad. Don’t worry, I won’t wallow. I will just move through it and go on. I love my family and my friends and (usually)
my dogs and cat. Life goes on, I’ll go on. We weren’t promised perfect, we
weren’t promised forever.
