September 9, 2017

My heart has broken many times in the past year and a quarter, sometimes for myself, most of the time for my children.   The little (and big) breaks come when something occurs that Greg would have enjoyed, but most of the time, they happen when I realize that one or more of my kids won’t get to experience a significant event with their dad.

And last night, during a very happy celebration, the worst break yet happened.  We attended the wedding of a very dear friend of Kaitlyn’s, our next door neighbor for 27 years.  The bride was beautiful, the groom handsome, the families blending together in a wonderful way.  It was all great until…

The father/daughter dance.  It hit me hard that Kaitlyn, who loved her daddy so very much, will not get to experience that.  I did OK watching the dance, but when it was over, Kaitlyn made her way over to our table, in tears.  My heart shattered into so many pieces and all I could do was hold her.  I couldn’t speak, I just couldn’t offer her any words of encouragement or consolation.  I didn’t have them, still don’t.  I knew this would happen, especially after I burst into tears on my way to work the other day.  The song “I Loved Her First” by Heartland started playing on the radio and I actually listened to the words.  It is the absolutely perfect Father/Daughter dance song. It hurts so much to think about it.  It is nearly beyond my ability to bear because I cannot fix this for Kaitlyn.  I cannot make her Father/Daughter dance happen.

I think it helps in a small way to know that Greg loved Daniel like a son and would have been so happy that they are (finally) getting married.  He would have adored Lily and the new baby because he really did love babies (and they loved him). He would have cried during the wedding and during the dance because he was a big old softie and Kaitlyn was his baby girl. I can hope that he is watching over us and is happy.  And that helps a bit.

I know my boys will step up and stand in for their dad.  They are kind, compassionate men who really love their sister and only want her to be happy. But it won’t be the same. It can’t be. Life will go on. Kaitlyn will have a beautiful wedding, we will laugh and dance and have fun. Our family and Daniel’s will blend together in a beautiful way. But there will always be a piece missing, a touch of sadness in an otherwise happy life. 

And so I’ll cry and cry.  And then I will find the strength to get through this.  But don’t ask me to talk about it yet.  I can’t do it without crying.  Some day, maybe I will.  But it’s OK if I can’t.  And I’m OK nearly all of the time. I’ve made my new normal work for me.  I’m mostly happy.  But sometimes, I just need to be sad.  Don’t worry, I won’t wallow.  I will just move through it and go on.  I love my family and my friends and (usually) my dogs and cat. Life goes on, I’ll go on. We weren’t promised perfect, we weren’t promised forever.