Why today?

I feel so lost today.  I don’t know why today, versus any other day.  It’s not the anniversary of anything, not the “first” or the “last” of any special event. But, I just feel sad and weepy.  Maybe because it’s the first time one of my kids must celebrate their birthday without their dad.  Maybe because it’s Christmas and I don’t have anyone to help me decorate the tree or to tell me how good (or bad) it looks.  I’m really feeling sorry for myself today.  It serves no purpose to feel this way, I keep telling myself.  But I just can’t stop it.

I heard my mom’s favorite Christmas song today.  It made me cry.  And I felt so silly, sitting in my car with tears rolling down my face.  It’s not my first Christmas without her, but it’s the first one where I really, REALLY need to talk to her.  And I can’t.  And I am frustrated, angry and heartbroken.

I saw a commercial for a really cool tool from Sears.  And I thought “I should buy that for Greg” and remembered he isn’t here to enjoy receiving new tools.  He never even opened the ones he got last year for Christmas.  They are sitting in his room, a sad reminder of what I’ve lost.

So tomorrow, I’ll pick myself back up, finish the tree.  On Saturday and Sunday, I’ll spend time with my family, laughing and maybe a few tears.   And the world will go on. But for today, I’ll just cry.

Musings for today

I smelled you the other day.  Sounds weird to say, but it is the truth.  For nearly 3 months, I have been wanting to see you again, to touch you again.  I have never wished so hard to be haunted by a ghost in my life. But then I smelled you.

Everyone has their own particular scent.  Yours is a combination of gasoline, grease, and cigarette smoke…with some other interesting undernotes that defy description.  I just know it was you. And it made me wonder…

Was it just a sensory memory? I should have smelled you at that spot at that time.  It was between 7:30 and 8 am on a workday.  You would have just passed through that space on your way to work. Was it the spectre of you, going about his daily business?

I don’t know what it was. It made me sad, it made me happy, it made me confused and angry. I didn’t get a chance to say a proper farewell, you were gone before I could. For the last quarter of a year, I’ve run the gamut of emotions (sometimes all in one day or even one hour). I’ve held it together pretty well, I think. And then I smelled you.

I just stood there, eyes closed, inhaling deeply, thinking “Bye Babe, have a great day”. I was lost in the moment for just a moment. Then I opened my eyes and reality came crashing back. The scent was gone and time started again.

Life goes on. I miss you. Come back and let me smell you again.

My Life Interrupted

My Disney posts got interrupted by life.  Greg's infection turned out to be Stage IIIb non-small cell lung cancer.  Throughout the winter and into the spring, our lives revolved around Chemo, Radiation and doctor visits. He responded well to treatment. Except for the last round of Chemo...that really kicked his butt.  He lost energy and most of his hair.  Luckily, we were able to spend some time in Florida at our friends' condo and he could relax and recuperate.

After we returned, we saw the doctor and she agreed that another round of chemo was unnecessary and instructed Greg to get a scan in May to see where we were.  

Greg had a scan on May 17. And an appointment for May 23 was set to see the doctor.  He was feeling so much better, his energy level was getting better every day, his hair was growing back. He had never stopped working throughout all of this and he told me every night that work was getting back to normal for him.  Everything was looking so good.  We were feeling positive and hopeful for the first time in months.

May 20 was a Friday.  The weather had been nice all day, Greg had come home in a good mood.  He decided he wanted pizza, and I complained a bit (as I don't really care for pizza) but caved.  As always, whatever he wanted to eat, I would get him, whether I liked it or not!  I ordered the pizza and said I would go get it.  "No," he said, "I need to get gas in the car and ice (our ice machine was broken at the time), so I'll go".  "Cool..." And that was the last time I talked to him.

About 30 minutes later, just as I was starting to get nervous, my phone rang. And my heart sank. It was the pizza parlor.  "Is this Jacqui?" the girl on the line asked.  I said it was.  She asked if I had ordered a pizza and sent someone to get it.  I said I had, my husband. She then stated "The paramedic wants to talk to you".  Never has a statement caused me so much fear. I was told to come up to the pizza parlor immediately and asked if my husband had a DNR or any advance directives.  I flew to my car, called my friend Robin along the way. I jumped out of my car, but the paramedics and police officers would not let me near my husband, who was lying on the ground next to our car. I spoke to them, advised no DNR, no advance directives...they worked on him for a very long time, transported him to the hospital, where they worked on him for about an hour.  He never regained consciousness, never again breathed on his own.  He didn't die alone, though.  A passerby, on her way to work, saw him collapse in the parking lot, did a U-Turn and tried to help him.  I will be forever grateful to her for not letting him be alone. I had called our children and 2 of them came to the hospital (the 3rd was all the way down in Chattanooga and couldn't get here quick enough. I was heartbroken for him driving all that way alone...they were in the middle of a move and his wife was on her way down from Detroit). Greg's family and mine all came to the hospital.  We said our farewells, some at the hospital, some at the funeral home. Some were peaceful, some not so much. 

The next few days were a blur and a whirlwind.  Somehow, we all made it through.  At his work, they were devastated and in shock.  Work came to a standstill when the boys picked up the toolbox. I think that's when it became real for those guys. The funeral gathering was nice, I think.  I talked to so many people...and I'm sorry if I don't remember anyone.  As I walked in to the Funeral Home, I got somewhat hysterical, thinking "If I don't go in here, it can't happen and life will gone on as it was" Silly, I know.  But running away has always been kinda my thing, and I figured I could run away and this wouldn't be happening.  But I didn't.  I stood strong there in that space. And I'm still standing strong for the most part.

On a side note, I called the Doctor's office to cancel his appointment.  I spoke to his Doctor and she was flabbergasted.  This was NOT expected, his scan looked good.  He might have had the beginning of pneumonia, but she was going to prescribe an antibiotic.  There were some new areas of concern, but she wanted to monitor them.  The recommendation was going to be come back for a scan in 3 months.  So...did the cancer kill him? Most assuredly, even though the official cause of death was cardiac arrest. Contributing factor - Cancer of the Lung. I'll spare you the gory details (and they are)...but Cancer sucks.

So, that's why I haven't, and probably won't update that Disney trip anymore.  It was fun...but the memories are somewhat blurred behind all the turmoil.  All I can say is from July 2015 through May 2016, my life had some highlights, but it truly was the worst year of my life so far. I'm getting better, the kids are getting better. And Life goes on...

Springtime at Walt Disney World Day 1

If you haven't figured it out, I love going to Disney World.  I have often been asked why and I have no concrete answer.  I just love the way it feels to me, I get happy while I'm there.

So, in January, I decided I felt like taking another trip to Disney, even though we had just been there in October.  I had purchased Annual Passes for Kaitlyn and I and I needed to make at least one more trip to make it cost effective. I researched the hotel only specials for pass holders (and they were great) and made a reservation at the Polynesian Village Resort, a Monorail resort. Airfare wasn't a problem, as I had enough miles to make our flights virtually free (although we had to fly coach).  So the trip was planned in less than 30 days and I still got everything I wanted.

Day One - February 26, 2016
Our flight was scheduled to leave at 9:30am, so I planned on picking Kaitlyn up at 6:30. I always leave very early, just in case there are delays on the road.  I didn't actually get to her house until 7, but we still had plenty of time.  We loaded her luggage, I asked her if she had everything, she said "yes" and off we went.  Got on the highway and traffic was light.  Right as we were approaching the entrance to I75s, Kaitlyn said "Oh no".  "What did you forget this time?" (We went to a WWE show, got nearly all the way downtown when she said the exact same thing...she had forgotten the tickets). Well, this time, she had forgotten her Magic Band.  For those of you who have not traveled to Disney in a while (or ever), Magic Bands are basically your tickets, your room key and everything else. Forgetting it would be extremely inconvenient.  So, we turned around and went back to get it.

By the time we got on the highway, traffic had picked up and slowed down as it was flurrying.  Still, we managed to get to FastPark and to the airport in plenty of time.  By the way, if you travel out of CVG, I HIGHLY recommend FastPark.  The lot is large and well-lit, there is always a shuttle available and the drivers are extremely friendly and helpful.  We proceeded to the gate and boarded with no issues.  I had paid the small amount to upgrade to Comfort or Delta + or whatever they are calling it.  There is a little more leg room, Sky priority boarding and your first checked bag is free. We boarded immediately after First Class and had nice comfortable seats.  The flight was full, but no screaming babies and it passed quickly and uneventfully.

Upon arrival at MCO, I was reminded of a lesson you think I would have learned: DO NOT LISTEN TO KAITLYN'S DIRECTIONS.  We were catching the Disney Magical Express from the airport to our resort and she took us in the wrong direction.  We traipsed all through the airport (and it is a LARGE airport) up and down levels until we finally reached Terminal B Level 1 and the departure point for Disney's Magical Express.  We watched cartoons all the way to the resort.

Once we got to the Polynesian, we were greeted by cast members dressed in traditional Polynesian attire.  Each guest gets a lei upon arrival, which is nice.  The lobby is huge and very well themed, one could almost believe they were in the Polynesian Islands.  We checked in at the desk, as I wanted to request Late Checkout.  Normally, you do not need to check in at the desk, your room assignment is sent via text message.  But, since the Poly has been running at full capacity for the last few weeks our room was not ready.

We wandered around for a bit, getting the lay of the land, including finding a Designated Smoking Area (DSA). The Poly seems to have more of these than any other resort we've stayed at and I was appreciative.  The first one we found was right near the Lava Pool, the Marina and the Beach.  Great view and we would return to it many times. We got drinks at the Barefoot Bar, I think I had a Pago Pago Painkiller and Kaitlyn had an Island Moon-shine.  I liked mine, she wasn't a fan of hers. We decided we were hungry and went off to Capt. Cook's.  It is a quick service restaurant and I cannot remember what we ate.  But it was good.

After a bit, our room was ready and we went to drop off our carry on bags.  Our checked bags arrived right after and we stowed those and went off to the Magic Kingdom. We chose to ride the monorail, because, well, it was right there. The weather was a little chilly, but Kaitlyn was enjoying the utter lack of humidity.

We wandered through the Emporium looking at all the merchandise.  We didn't really have anything we HAD to buy, since we had loaded up in October, but we had funny looking.  Our first FastPass+ was for the Jungle Cruise.  The last few times we had been there, the Cruise was not operating, so it was great to get the opportunity to ride it first! The Skipper was hilarious, but Kait said she was disappointed because she figured out it was scripted (she discovered this by overhearing the Skipper behind us going through the same spiel). But it was fun nonetheless.

We had plenty of time until our next FP+, so we went on The Pirates of The Caribbean.  It seemed darker than usual, but entertaining as always.  Captain Jack Sparrow was very evident, as were Blackbeard and Davy Jones.

We ate at the Columbia Harbor House for dinner.  I had the Battered Fish Plate w/fries which was very good. And Kaitlyn had Chicken Nuggets and Fish. We then went to catch our 2nd FP+.

I must say that the Seven Dwarves Mine Ride is my absolute favorite rollercoaster EVER.  It is so much fun.  The cars sway back and forth, just like mine cars.  It's not too scary, but it is exciting.  My only complaint about it is it is just too short!  And while I would like to ride it more than once, the standby line wait is always around or over an hour.

After the Dwarves, we wandered a bit more, wasting time, riding the Tomorrowland Transit Authority (which actually had a wait) and It's A Small World.  Since it was a Friday night, the park was fairly crowded, but not too bad.  Our final FP+ was on Buzz Lightyear's Space Ranger Spin.  This ride is hilarious.  Basically, you spin and shoot and try to beat each other's score.  Unfortunately, Kaitlyn kicked my butt at the very last second.  I'll get her next time.

We decided to head back to the resort and caught the launch.  It stops at both the Grand Floridian and the Polynesian and is usually a fairly quick way back.  Unfortunately, we didn't time it right and got stopped in the middle of Seven Seas Lagoon by the Electrical Water Parade.  It was very cold and we couldn't wait to get back on land.  We did get to catch the Wishes Fireworks from the boat, which was neat.

We wanted to try Trader Sam's Grog Grotto, but it was full. So we chose to go outside.  I had a Shrunken Head Zombie Head which is 3 different types of rum and some other stuff.  It tasted great. Kaitlyn got the HippopotMaiTai - 2 different rums, Orange Curacao and other flavors.  Both were served in Souvenir glasses that we got to take home!  They had propane heaters, but ours wasn't turned up very high.  We asked our server if we could turn it up a bit.  She said that a) they didn't go up any higher (not true) and b) they were actually getting ready to close, as the temperature was (well) under 50. She was actually a bit rude and we were not pleased. After that, we decided it was time to call it a night and we went back to the room.  We were exhausted and fell asleep fairly quickly.  Saturday was going to be a busy day and we needed our rest.  I'll write more tomorrow.